It's been a long time coming, but here is the final instalment of my Noughties countdown. This is the top ten most culturally important happenings of the last decade, apparently. I'm not convinced by some, but you can make up your own minds. Enjoy!
10. Barack Obama. The top ten is starting strong, everyone show your love for this man. Not only is he the first black American president, he also happens to be the saviour of the planet. I loved it when he won the election. All of the haters claimed he wasn’t black enough to be the first black president in a vain attempt to take that accolade from him. Like he needs any kind of qualification to take over from the previous muppet anyway. At last, we have the kind of president who’s capable of kicking you arse at Scrabble. Not only is he smart, cool, and stylish. This man is a ninja! Capable of swatting flies mid-flight. Just check out the CNN footage. All hail the new ruler of the free world!
9. Reality TV. The blight of the TV schedule. Whether it’s Big Brother or I’m a Celebrity, you cannot escape the dribbling dirge of reality TV. It’s the chance for TV producers to find hopeful wannabes looking for their five minutes of fame, and manage to stretch that five minutes out into a show that drags on for months. It’s no longer reality to be honest. You cannot get on Big Brother anymore unless you’re clinically insane with the whacky tendency to spout racial slurs when under pressure. Anyone remember the first ever series of Big Brother? The one with normal people living their lives out in front of us with no meddling from executive bigwigs who think they know what people want to watch. That was a genuinely interesting social experiment. Everything since has been mindless drivel. George Orwell is likely turning in his grave knowing how badly misconstrued one of his greatest works has become.
8. Celeb deaths. Unfortunately we’ve lost some big names over the last ten years. Some of the more memorable being Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson and the intellectual fountain that was Jade Goody. Jacko’s death has become the new Kennedy event; everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when they found out. And no one will ever forget the spectacle of one of the strangest memorial services in history and the conspiracy theories that inevitably followed.
7. Social Networking. First there was Myspace, then along came the more refined Facebook and now we have the micro-blogging site that is Twitter. The first thing you did when you get an account is search for every single person you have ever met in your life and add them as friends despite you not really having the slightest bit of interest in them. We can now find out what some kid in your class back in primary school is doing next week or what your best mate had for dinner. Ultimately, we no longer need real friends.
6. Chavs. The scourge, a blight on society, call them what you want, they’re all the same. Basically sub human scum clad in Burberry who will sit around swilling from cans of lager and shout abuse at normal people. The fact that these so called people made the top ten “happenings” of the Noughties has got me down. I’m pretty sure there is a page dedicated to the rise of the chav in the Doomsday book.
5. Tony Blair. The fresh new face of Labour. He led Great Britain from 1997 for ten “glorious” years that ended with him taking us into an illegal war with Iraq. To be fair to him, for a while he did a pretty good job. The turning point was when he got his nose firmly buried up George “Dubya” Bush’s arse. From then on, he was nothing more than Dubya’s lapdog. When he eventually stepped aside we were left with the charismatic Gordon Brown who was meant to rule with an iron fist. Unfortunately it seems more like he’s ruling with an iron deficiency. Oh well, we always has David “I’m down with the kids” Cameron. British politics is just overflowing with utter burks at present.
4. Gay Marriage. Finally a positive and progressive entry in our countdown. Gay people are different to straight people, so what? I was once told that everyone’s unique. Surely that means everyone is different to each other….. But if everyone is unique, then we all have that in common, so it’s impossible to be unique…. I think I’ve stumbled onto a paradox. Anyway, if we didn’t allow gay marriages, we never would have found out that Elton John’s middle name is Hercules. Surely that’s enough for any doubters out there?
3. Google. Who was that person in that movie? Google it. Can you tell me about the Crimean war? No? Google it. Want to know how much vodka the average person consumes in a lifetime? Google it. Now we are fully dependant on technology and the Internet (all except the Amish), Google has found itself at the centre of our data needs. But heed my warning! Remember the Terminator movies and Skynet? Need I say more?
2. Simon Cowell. Ok. The man has done incredibly well considering that ridiculous haircut he has. What is that anyway? It’s like a centre parted mini-afro fade. The hair is clearly running away from his face. He has earned more money than we can imagine and he plagues our TV screens with the X Factor annually. Now in a ploy to earn even larger sums of cash for his money fortress, he is exporting the X Factor to America. I’m sorry America; maybe we’ll export Foot and Mouth disease while we’re at it. I’m pretty sure he is planning something. You can see it in his eyes. Once his influence grows sufficiently, he will be taking over! I can think of not other reason why he’d make the number two spot in the countdown of the decade.
1. Text Messaging. The bane of our existence. The incessant beeping. Oh God, the beeping! But the text message has revolutionised the way we communicate to the extent that some children no longer feel the need for vocal expression. You know something’s gone wrong when you feel the need text someone in the same room as you. I think we’ve all been there. So there you have it. The most important thing that happened this decade was the text message. We’re in trouble aren’t we? Perhaps we have hit the pinnacle of our evolution and it's all downhill from here. Well I for one hope the next decade's countdown involves flying cars, world peace and the self replenishing chocolate bar.
Monday, 25 January 2010
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Proud to be British
Just this morning browsing the Internet searching for inspiration, I came across a little story that irked me somewhat. And no, searching for inspiration does not have any unscrupulous subtext. The story dates back to 2002 when the Home Office minister got openly criticised for using a certain phrase by the police. Surely, to be publically criticised in the national press for saying something offensive, it must have been pretty bad... “Nitty gritty”. How can somebody be castigated for using such a phrase? Apparently the phrase dates back to the times of slavery. Was there an indignant outrage from anyone? No, of course not.
Not until now.
Welcome to the Unhinged Kingdom. United just doesn't feel right anymore. I read stories like the one above and I’m pretty sure I can hear my blood boiling. Either that, or my fridge is making that weird gargling noise again. And it only served to remind me of another little story that enraged me.
It probably doesn’t help that I’m easily angered. Like a ferret in a rave on speed.
Recently a friend on Twitter mentioned that her friend received a fine the other day for fly tipping. A pretty severe charge I think you’d agree. Until you understand the context. Let me set the scene. It’s Christmas time and all of that wrapping paper and packaging is clogging up the house like a Big Mac clogging an artery. As any good citizen of this land would do, they would take it to a recycling point. No point in trying to further destroy our planet right? So what are you to do if the paper-recycling bin is full to overflowing? Do you just throw it away with the normal trash and scupper the government’s efforts to hit their recycling targets? No. Instead they chose to place the bag filled with the paper neatly against the appropriate receptacle. This sounds like a pretty sensible solution to me.
A few days later, that conscientious individual trying to do the right thing for our planet received a letter stating that they were being fined for fly tipping to the sum of £75. Quite the incentive to continue recycling! How did they find who did it? They snooped through the bag to find a document with a name and address on to hunt down said innocent individual. I would quite like to find the person who issued that obscenely ridiculous fine and recycle them. Probably in the gardening refuse section because that one smells the worst and is no less than they deserve. I could list possible revenge scenarios all day but may end up scaring people so I’ll move on. The great irony of the situation is this; the fine was probably sent on recycled paper.
It didn’t take too much Internet surfing to find a few other similar examples that makes me proud to be British. And by proud, I mean ashamed to tears whilst trembling in unequivocal anger. Last summer, a mother took her four-year-old daughter on a picnic in the park. Lovely right? The daughter was eating a sausage roll and part of it (not all) fell to the ground to be instantly removed by a passing pigeon. No harm, no foul. Even the pigeon’s happy. Except for an ingrate of a park official who fined them £75 for littering.
Here’s an interesting one. A gentleman in Cumbria was found to have put too much rubbish in his wheelie bin. You fit everything you can in there because bin men won’t remove any extra bags because it goes against their religious beliefs. But this was considered to be a danger to the bin men; so several people confronted the criminal mastermind in question wearing stab proof vests and armed with photographic evidence of the crime. This poor bastard not only received a £210 fine with a £15 victim surcharge, but also now has a criminal record.
One man on holiday in Ireland dropped a crisp packet on proud Irish soil. Now I will state for the record that anybody who actually litters on purpose, no matter how insignificant, should face a fine. But this inconsiderate individual received a fine that may have caught him off guard. One crisp packet dropped equals a £480 fine in Ireland. You have been warned!
And finally one last story that roughly takes me back to where I started. A man accidentally let one small piece of paper slip into his glass-recycling box. Now this wasn’t a substantial collection of paper like a newspaper. It wasn’t even a pamphlet. He made the foolish mistake of misplacing one single solitary piece of paper in the wrong container. For this most heinous offence he was taken to court by his local council and fined £200. This man said in court he will NEVER recycle again in his life. I’m sure that’s the result they intended.
So there you have it. Our government is doing a magnificent job of disillusioning its populace. Too much importance has been put on getting figures up; they are too frequently going for the easy offence. The sort of offence that maybe could be dealt with by a wag of the finger and up to three moderately stern words. But in most cases even that would seem disproportionate. Perhaps if they used their efforts to concentrate on the real problems we have in the world, we may eventually be able to honestly say one thing once again. I am proud to be British.
I can’t see that happening any time soon.
Not until now.
Welcome to the Unhinged Kingdom. United just doesn't feel right anymore. I read stories like the one above and I’m pretty sure I can hear my blood boiling. Either that, or my fridge is making that weird gargling noise again. And it only served to remind me of another little story that enraged me.
It probably doesn’t help that I’m easily angered. Like a ferret in a rave on speed.
Recently a friend on Twitter mentioned that her friend received a fine the other day for fly tipping. A pretty severe charge I think you’d agree. Until you understand the context. Let me set the scene. It’s Christmas time and all of that wrapping paper and packaging is clogging up the house like a Big Mac clogging an artery. As any good citizen of this land would do, they would take it to a recycling point. No point in trying to further destroy our planet right? So what are you to do if the paper-recycling bin is full to overflowing? Do you just throw it away with the normal trash and scupper the government’s efforts to hit their recycling targets? No. Instead they chose to place the bag filled with the paper neatly against the appropriate receptacle. This sounds like a pretty sensible solution to me.
A few days later, that conscientious individual trying to do the right thing for our planet received a letter stating that they were being fined for fly tipping to the sum of £75. Quite the incentive to continue recycling! How did they find who did it? They snooped through the bag to find a document with a name and address on to hunt down said innocent individual. I would quite like to find the person who issued that obscenely ridiculous fine and recycle them. Probably in the gardening refuse section because that one smells the worst and is no less than they deserve. I could list possible revenge scenarios all day but may end up scaring people so I’ll move on. The great irony of the situation is this; the fine was probably sent on recycled paper.
It didn’t take too much Internet surfing to find a few other similar examples that makes me proud to be British. And by proud, I mean ashamed to tears whilst trembling in unequivocal anger. Last summer, a mother took her four-year-old daughter on a picnic in the park. Lovely right? The daughter was eating a sausage roll and part of it (not all) fell to the ground to be instantly removed by a passing pigeon. No harm, no foul. Even the pigeon’s happy. Except for an ingrate of a park official who fined them £75 for littering.
Here’s an interesting one. A gentleman in Cumbria was found to have put too much rubbish in his wheelie bin. You fit everything you can in there because bin men won’t remove any extra bags because it goes against their religious beliefs. But this was considered to be a danger to the bin men; so several people confronted the criminal mastermind in question wearing stab proof vests and armed with photographic evidence of the crime. This poor bastard not only received a £210 fine with a £15 victim surcharge, but also now has a criminal record.
One man on holiday in Ireland dropped a crisp packet on proud Irish soil. Now I will state for the record that anybody who actually litters on purpose, no matter how insignificant, should face a fine. But this inconsiderate individual received a fine that may have caught him off guard. One crisp packet dropped equals a £480 fine in Ireland. You have been warned!
And finally one last story that roughly takes me back to where I started. A man accidentally let one small piece of paper slip into his glass-recycling box. Now this wasn’t a substantial collection of paper like a newspaper. It wasn’t even a pamphlet. He made the foolish mistake of misplacing one single solitary piece of paper in the wrong container. For this most heinous offence he was taken to court by his local council and fined £200. This man said in court he will NEVER recycle again in his life. I’m sure that’s the result they intended.
So there you have it. Our government is doing a magnificent job of disillusioning its populace. Too much importance has been put on getting figures up; they are too frequently going for the easy offence. The sort of offence that maybe could be dealt with by a wag of the finger and up to three moderately stern words. But in most cases even that would seem disproportionate. Perhaps if they used their efforts to concentrate on the real problems we have in the world, we may eventually be able to honestly say one thing once again. I am proud to be British.
I can’t see that happening any time soon.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
A Retro Christmas
Looking out of my window, you would forgive me if I thought it was winter in the Arctic Circle out there, but it’s just another new year in this topsy-turvy world. The Noughties are now behind us and we are swiftly moving into the, as of now, unnamed decade. Another Christmas gone. As I saw in the window of a camping goods shop, “Now is the winter of our discount tents” (a Shakespearean quip for those old school literary types).
It is the only time of the year when it is socially acceptable to get excited about a Chris De Burgh song.
As a child, the Christmas holidays always had a magical feel about it. All the decorations and the music that we only get to see and hear at this time of year. But Christmas music is now officially dead, and we have the X Factor to thank largely for this. For four long years there was never any doubt who would be Christmas number one. But this year Rage Against The Machine stormed to number one in the UK with their festive offering, Killing in the Name. Quite a victory for cynicism at supposedly the happiest time of the year. What a coup! That showed Cowell and his corporate machine a thing or two. Despite the fact that Simon Cowell gained 450,000 sales regardless and also has a stake in Sony BMG, who it just so happened, holds the rights for our new Xmas number one song. Maybe it is time for artists to start actually releasing Christmas songs at Christmas time, but maybe that concept is too wacky for people to accept. With all this talk about the X Factor, it’s got me thinking, being a Christmas blog and all. Jesus must have had the X Factor; otherwise, people wouldn’t spell it Xmas. It’s just a thought.
As hard as Christians may argue Christmas is about the birth of the original X Factor winner, for the rest of us, presents have a BIG part to play. I’m not entirely sure why they have to be put under a tree, but I’m not going to complain. When all of those presents are sitting in front of you, I’m like a child again, just a child already drinking alcohol at 10 in the morning.
The things that can be guaranteed every Christmas are alcohol, arguments and a surplus of chocolate and socks.
The presents have been opened and tidied away (carefully piled upstairs) and the house is covered in decorations and flashing lights. It’s an epileptic nightmare. Spaceman came travelling is powering through your speakers from the mono-browed purveyor of filth, De Burgh. You have the whole family together, your extended family is round, and some of their friends may have tagged along too. The house is packed and what does everyone want to do? Watch TV! We can’t miss Doctor Who or the Eastenders Christmas special. It is the only time of year when everyone gets together under the same roof, yet all across the country, all people want to do is watch the flipping TV! Thankfully my family doesn’t feel the need to waste the day in this manner anymore due to the evolution of technology and personal video recorders.
So what does a family do on Christmas day when not watching the tellybox? They turn their living rooms into the set of the Jeremy Kyle show (or Jerry Springer for any American readers). The festive period always seems to bring out the argumentative side in people. Whether it’s opposing opinions or a family member cheating at whatever game they happen to be playing, I can guarantee there will be fireworks. I suppose we always have alcohol to fall back on, but that could always make matters worse.
It’s around two o’clock and we have finished bickering for now and the alcohol has been steadily flowing for a few hours. There is an air of anticipation because we can all smell the heavenly aromas coming from the kitchen. (Our idea of heaven is obviously the turkey population’s idea of hell.) The promise of food has brought back the festive cheer. We gather around the table with plates piled full of food. But before we can commence our eating, we have to all pull our Christmas crackers. And that’s not a metaphor, because that would be just awkward. Can anyone explain how crackers are related to Christmas? After Jesus was born, did Mary and Joseph argue over this strangely shaped present from the wise men? They both wanted to play with the strange toy and in the tug of war it ripped apart with a pathetic bang and out fell a flimsy paper hat, some plastic measuring spoons and a crap joke. That’s my theory anyway.
The meal has been finished; everyone lies around in a catatonic state of shock at how much they’ve eaten and we still have enough turkey leftovers to feed sub-Saharan Africa. As we are not going to be watching television, the board games and quizzes make their ill-fated appearance. Let the drinking and arguments recommence. Merry bloody Christmas!
I love Christmas and all the baggage that comes with it, but it holds a strange place in our memories. Last Christmas seemed to be just yesterday, but next Christmas seems so far off. Despite this, the next one always comes much quicker than you anticipate. This probably has something to do with the Christmas decorations in town being put up earlier every year. I hear this year; the decorations are going up in June. Christmas seems to have a bizarre stranglehold on the passage of time. Perhaps we should have watched Doctor Who.
But despite my love of Christmas, I must disagree with the song by Wizzard. I am rather happy it’s not Christmas every day. If it was, we’d all be the size of Santa Claus, and the murder rate due to domestic arguments would undoubtedly make a steady rise. Also, we’d be as weird as that mental bloke who actually does celebrate Christmas every day who’s one more mince pie away from a coronary.
One final pet peeve about Christmas is the Political Correctness brigade not letting us call it Christmas. It is Christmas and it will always be called Christmas. I’m sorry if that doesn’t fit into other religious beliefs, but I am more than happy to let other religions have their days, so leave ours alone. Let’s face it; the majority of people who celebrate Christmas are unlikely to be all that religious anyway. Also, I highly doubt people from other religions mind us calling it Christmas either. On the whole, the big thing about religion is tolerance and forgiveness. Besides, Jesus pops up in just about every religion out there (maybe not including the Jedis). It’s just that bloody PC brigade! Political correctness will have to wait until another time, but Christmas is Christmas, ginger is ginger and short people are short, not vertically challenged. If you disagree with that, go find somewhere high to jump off of. Rant over.
On that cheery thought, happy New Year!
It is the only time of the year when it is socially acceptable to get excited about a Chris De Burgh song.
As a child, the Christmas holidays always had a magical feel about it. All the decorations and the music that we only get to see and hear at this time of year. But Christmas music is now officially dead, and we have the X Factor to thank largely for this. For four long years there was never any doubt who would be Christmas number one. But this year Rage Against The Machine stormed to number one in the UK with their festive offering, Killing in the Name. Quite a victory for cynicism at supposedly the happiest time of the year. What a coup! That showed Cowell and his corporate machine a thing or two. Despite the fact that Simon Cowell gained 450,000 sales regardless and also has a stake in Sony BMG, who it just so happened, holds the rights for our new Xmas number one song. Maybe it is time for artists to start actually releasing Christmas songs at Christmas time, but maybe that concept is too wacky for people to accept. With all this talk about the X Factor, it’s got me thinking, being a Christmas blog and all. Jesus must have had the X Factor; otherwise, people wouldn’t spell it Xmas. It’s just a thought.
As hard as Christians may argue Christmas is about the birth of the original X Factor winner, for the rest of us, presents have a BIG part to play. I’m not entirely sure why they have to be put under a tree, but I’m not going to complain. When all of those presents are sitting in front of you, I’m like a child again, just a child already drinking alcohol at 10 in the morning.
The things that can be guaranteed every Christmas are alcohol, arguments and a surplus of chocolate and socks.
The presents have been opened and tidied away (carefully piled upstairs) and the house is covered in decorations and flashing lights. It’s an epileptic nightmare. Spaceman came travelling is powering through your speakers from the mono-browed purveyor of filth, De Burgh. You have the whole family together, your extended family is round, and some of their friends may have tagged along too. The house is packed and what does everyone want to do? Watch TV! We can’t miss Doctor Who or the Eastenders Christmas special. It is the only time of year when everyone gets together under the same roof, yet all across the country, all people want to do is watch the flipping TV! Thankfully my family doesn’t feel the need to waste the day in this manner anymore due to the evolution of technology and personal video recorders.
So what does a family do on Christmas day when not watching the tellybox? They turn their living rooms into the set of the Jeremy Kyle show (or Jerry Springer for any American readers). The festive period always seems to bring out the argumentative side in people. Whether it’s opposing opinions or a family member cheating at whatever game they happen to be playing, I can guarantee there will be fireworks. I suppose we always have alcohol to fall back on, but that could always make matters worse.
It’s around two o’clock and we have finished bickering for now and the alcohol has been steadily flowing for a few hours. There is an air of anticipation because we can all smell the heavenly aromas coming from the kitchen. (Our idea of heaven is obviously the turkey population’s idea of hell.) The promise of food has brought back the festive cheer. We gather around the table with plates piled full of food. But before we can commence our eating, we have to all pull our Christmas crackers. And that’s not a metaphor, because that would be just awkward. Can anyone explain how crackers are related to Christmas? After Jesus was born, did Mary and Joseph argue over this strangely shaped present from the wise men? They both wanted to play with the strange toy and in the tug of war it ripped apart with a pathetic bang and out fell a flimsy paper hat, some plastic measuring spoons and a crap joke. That’s my theory anyway.
The meal has been finished; everyone lies around in a catatonic state of shock at how much they’ve eaten and we still have enough turkey leftovers to feed sub-Saharan Africa. As we are not going to be watching television, the board games and quizzes make their ill-fated appearance. Let the drinking and arguments recommence. Merry bloody Christmas!
I love Christmas and all the baggage that comes with it, but it holds a strange place in our memories. Last Christmas seemed to be just yesterday, but next Christmas seems so far off. Despite this, the next one always comes much quicker than you anticipate. This probably has something to do with the Christmas decorations in town being put up earlier every year. I hear this year; the decorations are going up in June. Christmas seems to have a bizarre stranglehold on the passage of time. Perhaps we should have watched Doctor Who.
But despite my love of Christmas, I must disagree with the song by Wizzard. I am rather happy it’s not Christmas every day. If it was, we’d all be the size of Santa Claus, and the murder rate due to domestic arguments would undoubtedly make a steady rise. Also, we’d be as weird as that mental bloke who actually does celebrate Christmas every day who’s one more mince pie away from a coronary.
One final pet peeve about Christmas is the Political Correctness brigade not letting us call it Christmas. It is Christmas and it will always be called Christmas. I’m sorry if that doesn’t fit into other religious beliefs, but I am more than happy to let other religions have their days, so leave ours alone. Let’s face it; the majority of people who celebrate Christmas are unlikely to be all that religious anyway. Also, I highly doubt people from other religions mind us calling it Christmas either. On the whole, the big thing about religion is tolerance and forgiveness. Besides, Jesus pops up in just about every religion out there (maybe not including the Jedis). It’s just that bloody PC brigade! Political correctness will have to wait until another time, but Christmas is Christmas, ginger is ginger and short people are short, not vertically challenged. If you disagree with that, go find somewhere high to jump off of. Rant over.
On that cheery thought, happy New Year!
Saturday, 21 November 2009
The Noughties, that was it! >>> 20-11
Continuing the countdown from where we left off, we move into the top 20. Here is 20-11 in the Noughties cultural countdown of wonder and enlightenment. Enjoy!
20. Celebrity Chefs. Whether it’s Gordon and his mouth dirtier than a German pornstar, Jamie saving our youth, or Delia falling apart at football matches; this has been the decade of celebrity chefs. Not that we watch them for recipes anymore. We watch for sheer entertainment, or at least the promise of said entertainment. Oh yes, and generally a lot of swearing.
19. Credit Crunch. I always knew that the bankers were a bunch of Cockney rhyming slang. They almost caused Armageddon. The world went into economic meltdown, but on the plus side estate agents had a tough time for a while. The economy is now back on the rise and city bankers will be sharing part of a 5 billion pound bonus come Christmas time. Proving once and for all they really are a bunch of “bankers”.
18. Jordan vs. Katie. Glamour model or business woman? Personally, I say neither and would rather never hear from her again. But we all know that’s unlikely unless they leave her in the jungle. Peter and Katie were meant to be the new Posh and Becks. Didn’t ever see it working, and unsurprisingly, it didn’t. They split the nation into the Katie faction and the Pandre camp. I have nothing against Peter, but I hope a Chinese style media blackout on their lives ensues.
17. Rehab. You’re not a real celebrity unless you check yourself into rehab. For any reason apparently; an Xfactor finalist (not even the winner) checked into rehab because she was tired. Oh diddums, maybe try going to sleep? I suppose Kate Moss is to thank for this trend. What a wonderful role model, she does drugs, but at least tries to atone before the next addiction sets in.
16. Roasting. I cannot believe this even made it into the countdown. Much like the dogging entry, I won’t try to explain it. But I will say it has nothing to do with Sunday dinner and has a lot to do with the illiterate millionaires populating the Premier League. It also raises the side-question, "what does that make a Yorkshire pudding?" but that would be going off on a tangent.
15. YouTube. An epic part of the 21st century here in this entry. Without YouTube, we would never have had Chocolate Rain, Numa Numa guy or the Star Wars kid. If you have something visual to share, you can now show the entire world in a matter of minutes. Just type in the words “Mentos and Coke” and just see what YouTube has given to us.
14. Strictly Come Dancing. Strictly used to be this boring and frumpy dancing program aimed at old biddies. Nowadays, Strictly is a glitzy and boring program aimed at old biddies and people who have nothing else to watch. How did they make the switch from frumpy to glitzy? It’s our Noughties buzzword; it was those ruddy celebrities again. Now for them to sort out the boring aspect of the show. I have a proposal of how to do this. Just axe the program and play Top Gear re-runs like on Dave. Surely there is a job at the Beeb that can harness my creative thought process.
13. Pandemics. It’s been quite the decade disease wise. We had our old friend Foot and Mouth pay us a visit, we had SARS, Bird Flu and more recently, Swine Flu. All of these global pandemics and are we scared? Are we my arse! Swine Flu got raised to a level 6 global pandemic and we still found it hilarious pretending to sneeze on public transport and watch every shuffle away from you. I salute the British sense of humour.
12. Mac vs. PC. The ongoing format war between Apple and the behemoth that is Microsoft has been waging fiercely these last ten years. You are either Mac or PC. Myself, I am ashamedly PC, but only because I cannot afford one of those beautiful Macbooks. I’m stuck with my glitchy, virus ridden Windows laptop, and can only gaze longingly into the wonderland that is the Apple Store. I’ve found that the stalwart PC fanboy generally hates the Mac user, but the Mac user looks down on the PC not with derision, but with pity. I know which side I want to be on, do you?
11. War on Terror. Yes! A war on terror. What is war? War is terror. Therefore a war on terror seems redundant. Effectively, it is a war against a specific ideology. We took out Saddam in an illegal war and we’re still hunting for that beardy bloke in a cave and the war wages endlessly on. They aren’t exactly technologically gifted. In fact I’m pretty sure their last video was made on Betamax, but they are undoubtedly gifted at hide and seek. Next on the radar is Iran because it sounds quite a bit like Iraq and has a bit of a nutter in charge.
20. Celebrity Chefs. Whether it’s Gordon and his mouth dirtier than a German pornstar, Jamie saving our youth, or Delia falling apart at football matches; this has been the decade of celebrity chefs. Not that we watch them for recipes anymore. We watch for sheer entertainment, or at least the promise of said entertainment. Oh yes, and generally a lot of swearing.
19. Credit Crunch. I always knew that the bankers were a bunch of Cockney rhyming slang. They almost caused Armageddon. The world went into economic meltdown, but on the plus side estate agents had a tough time for a while. The economy is now back on the rise and city bankers will be sharing part of a 5 billion pound bonus come Christmas time. Proving once and for all they really are a bunch of “bankers”.
18. Jordan vs. Katie. Glamour model or business woman? Personally, I say neither and would rather never hear from her again. But we all know that’s unlikely unless they leave her in the jungle. Peter and Katie were meant to be the new Posh and Becks. Didn’t ever see it working, and unsurprisingly, it didn’t. They split the nation into the Katie faction and the Pandre camp. I have nothing against Peter, but I hope a Chinese style media blackout on their lives ensues.
17. Rehab. You’re not a real celebrity unless you check yourself into rehab. For any reason apparently; an Xfactor finalist (not even the winner) checked into rehab because she was tired. Oh diddums, maybe try going to sleep? I suppose Kate Moss is to thank for this trend. What a wonderful role model, she does drugs, but at least tries to atone before the next addiction sets in.
16. Roasting. I cannot believe this even made it into the countdown. Much like the dogging entry, I won’t try to explain it. But I will say it has nothing to do with Sunday dinner and has a lot to do with the illiterate millionaires populating the Premier League. It also raises the side-question, "what does that make a Yorkshire pudding?" but that would be going off on a tangent.
15. YouTube. An epic part of the 21st century here in this entry. Without YouTube, we would never have had Chocolate Rain, Numa Numa guy or the Star Wars kid. If you have something visual to share, you can now show the entire world in a matter of minutes. Just type in the words “Mentos and Coke” and just see what YouTube has given to us.
14. Strictly Come Dancing. Strictly used to be this boring and frumpy dancing program aimed at old biddies. Nowadays, Strictly is a glitzy and boring program aimed at old biddies and people who have nothing else to watch. How did they make the switch from frumpy to glitzy? It’s our Noughties buzzword; it was those ruddy celebrities again. Now for them to sort out the boring aspect of the show. I have a proposal of how to do this. Just axe the program and play Top Gear re-runs like on Dave. Surely there is a job at the Beeb that can harness my creative thought process.
13. Pandemics. It’s been quite the decade disease wise. We had our old friend Foot and Mouth pay us a visit, we had SARS, Bird Flu and more recently, Swine Flu. All of these global pandemics and are we scared? Are we my arse! Swine Flu got raised to a level 6 global pandemic and we still found it hilarious pretending to sneeze on public transport and watch every shuffle away from you. I salute the British sense of humour.
12. Mac vs. PC. The ongoing format war between Apple and the behemoth that is Microsoft has been waging fiercely these last ten years. You are either Mac or PC. Myself, I am ashamedly PC, but only because I cannot afford one of those beautiful Macbooks. I’m stuck with my glitchy, virus ridden Windows laptop, and can only gaze longingly into the wonderland that is the Apple Store. I’ve found that the stalwart PC fanboy generally hates the Mac user, but the Mac user looks down on the PC not with derision, but with pity. I know which side I want to be on, do you?
11. War on Terror. Yes! A war on terror. What is war? War is terror. Therefore a war on terror seems redundant. Effectively, it is a war against a specific ideology. We took out Saddam in an illegal war and we’re still hunting for that beardy bloke in a cave and the war wages endlessly on. They aren’t exactly technologically gifted. In fact I’m pretty sure their last video was made on Betamax, but they are undoubtedly gifted at hide and seek. Next on the radar is Iran because it sounds quite a bit like Iraq and has a bit of a nutter in charge.
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
The Noughties, that was it! >>> 30-21
Over halfway through the countdown of the most important cultural happenings of the last decade. Here is 30 – 21, enjoy! Or at least try.
30. Binge Drinking. We’ve had alcoholics about for what seems like an eternity. But thanks to more aggressive drinking and a considerably larger chunk of our loutish population taking part, the newspapers know they will never have a dry news day. With 24 hour licensing brought in to apparently stem binge drinking, it seems to be going from strength to strength. Oh joy, something else we have our parliament to thank for.
29. Celeb Brands. Do you want to smell like Paris? No, not the scent of the French capital. Who wants a fragrance based around, apparently, the most romantic city in the world? No, I’m talking about that flimsy excuse for a celebrity Ms Paris Hilton. On the plus side …. Nope. Can’t think of one. Maybe I’ll go with Insanity by Britney Spears instead.
28. The Wire. For a TV program that flopped spectacularly when it was broadcast, The Wire has certainly managed to gather itself quite a following now. It was one of those things everyone was talking about at one point. The first few episodes never failed to confuse you, the characters never failed to surprise you. It delivers a damning insight into the murky underbelly of America, much like Chatham on a Friday night.
27. Gossip Mags. OK, Hello, Gossip. Pages and pages of utter crap. This week we have a special into celebrities who sweat! It’s filled with things that aren’t good enough to qualify for a channel 4 documentary. Simply a waste of the trees cut down to make them. They would have been better used to make toilet paper. In fact, that’s what these magazines are, glossy toilet paper. Just try to avoid any paper cuts.
26. EMO. Or Goth lite, as I prefer to call them. They listen to Fallout Boy and the like and wear way to much makeup, especially the guys. I understand that this is the 21st century and guys can wear “guyliner”. Maybe it’s ok, because generally they have so much hair covering their eyes, it’s barely noticeable anyway. Cheer up you little buggars. The world’s not out against you! You always have next Halloween to look forward to.
25. Mobile Phones. One of the most important technical advances of recent times. Remember when the mobile phone was the size of a brick and had a massive battery pack to lug about? No, me neither. I was probably too busy playing with Lego and watching Transformers. But now your mobile phone is like a mini laptop, camera, MP3 player, Sat Nav, and portable games console, all rolled into one. Oh yes it also allows you to make phone calls too.
24. Posh Cider. It wasn’t too long ago that cider was the drink of choice for the tramps among us. Seeing a guy sitting on the pavement, gulping down a 3 litre bottle of White Lightning, wasn’t a rare sight. So how did the cider companies make cider a socially acceptable drink? Well, about £80 million pounds worth of marketing and deciding to use a tall glass filled with ice did the trick. How are tramps going to get hold of ice? Sorted.
23. Harry Potter. This fictional Latin spouting little bastard is making JK Rowling £5 every second of the day. They even released an adult version of the book! This isn’t an adult book, it’s quite clearly a kids book! Still JK isn’t complaining considering she’s about the ninth richest person on the planet. Where’s my pen? I have an idea.
22. Waxing. Just the thought of this makes me shiver. Now I have legs that are on the fluffy side, but do I want every hair ripped from my legs simultaneously? Absolutely not! I would like to have legs that are more on the naked side, but there are a few things I fear; Spiders, needles, Daleks and waxing. The hair grows back people! I think I’ll keep my yeti look for now. I’m not even going to think about more intimate stylings. Ladies who do this are clearly much more manly than me.
21. High School Musical. I’m not sure how to tackle this one. I’ve seen clips of this “phenomena”, but I can only watch them for about five seconds before a wave of nausea hits me and I have to have a lie down. One thing that HSM did give us was the most effective scandal cover up of all time. A certain selection of nudie pictures of one of the squeaky clean stars surfaced on the internet. Disney’s army of lawyers sprung into action and remarkably managed to achieve total damage control. If only the likes of Britney and Paris had these lawyers, gossip magazines would wither and die. If only.
30. Binge Drinking. We’ve had alcoholics about for what seems like an eternity. But thanks to more aggressive drinking and a considerably larger chunk of our loutish population taking part, the newspapers know they will never have a dry news day. With 24 hour licensing brought in to apparently stem binge drinking, it seems to be going from strength to strength. Oh joy, something else we have our parliament to thank for.
29. Celeb Brands. Do you want to smell like Paris? No, not the scent of the French capital. Who wants a fragrance based around, apparently, the most romantic city in the world? No, I’m talking about that flimsy excuse for a celebrity Ms Paris Hilton. On the plus side …. Nope. Can’t think of one. Maybe I’ll go with Insanity by Britney Spears instead.
28. The Wire. For a TV program that flopped spectacularly when it was broadcast, The Wire has certainly managed to gather itself quite a following now. It was one of those things everyone was talking about at one point. The first few episodes never failed to confuse you, the characters never failed to surprise you. It delivers a damning insight into the murky underbelly of America, much like Chatham on a Friday night.
27. Gossip Mags. OK, Hello, Gossip. Pages and pages of utter crap. This week we have a special into celebrities who sweat! It’s filled with things that aren’t good enough to qualify for a channel 4 documentary. Simply a waste of the trees cut down to make them. They would have been better used to make toilet paper. In fact, that’s what these magazines are, glossy toilet paper. Just try to avoid any paper cuts.
26. EMO. Or Goth lite, as I prefer to call them. They listen to Fallout Boy and the like and wear way to much makeup, especially the guys. I understand that this is the 21st century and guys can wear “guyliner”. Maybe it’s ok, because generally they have so much hair covering their eyes, it’s barely noticeable anyway. Cheer up you little buggars. The world’s not out against you! You always have next Halloween to look forward to.
25. Mobile Phones. One of the most important technical advances of recent times. Remember when the mobile phone was the size of a brick and had a massive battery pack to lug about? No, me neither. I was probably too busy playing with Lego and watching Transformers. But now your mobile phone is like a mini laptop, camera, MP3 player, Sat Nav, and portable games console, all rolled into one. Oh yes it also allows you to make phone calls too.
24. Posh Cider. It wasn’t too long ago that cider was the drink of choice for the tramps among us. Seeing a guy sitting on the pavement, gulping down a 3 litre bottle of White Lightning, wasn’t a rare sight. So how did the cider companies make cider a socially acceptable drink? Well, about £80 million pounds worth of marketing and deciding to use a tall glass filled with ice did the trick. How are tramps going to get hold of ice? Sorted.
23. Harry Potter. This fictional Latin spouting little bastard is making JK Rowling £5 every second of the day. They even released an adult version of the book! This isn’t an adult book, it’s quite clearly a kids book! Still JK isn’t complaining considering she’s about the ninth richest person on the planet. Where’s my pen? I have an idea.
22. Waxing. Just the thought of this makes me shiver. Now I have legs that are on the fluffy side, but do I want every hair ripped from my legs simultaneously? Absolutely not! I would like to have legs that are more on the naked side, but there are a few things I fear; Spiders, needles, Daleks and waxing. The hair grows back people! I think I’ll keep my yeti look for now. I’m not even going to think about more intimate stylings. Ladies who do this are clearly much more manly than me.
21. High School Musical. I’m not sure how to tackle this one. I’ve seen clips of this “phenomena”, but I can only watch them for about five seconds before a wave of nausea hits me and I have to have a lie down. One thing that HSM did give us was the most effective scandal cover up of all time. A certain selection of nudie pictures of one of the squeaky clean stars surfaced on the internet. Disney’s army of lawyers sprung into action and remarkably managed to achieve total damage control. If only the likes of Britney and Paris had these lawyers, gossip magazines would wither and die. If only.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
The Noughties, that was it! >>> 40-31
Continuing the countdown of the most important cultural happenings of the last decade. Here is 40 – 31, enjoy!
40. The Smoking Ban. It took them long enough didn’t it? I do not understand the “joys” of smoking and never will, mainly due to an overwhelming power of common sense. In what seems like a bygone age, research revealed that smoking actually damages not only your health, but those around you too. Finally somebody with sizable cojones decided to stop smokers from slowly killing all those around them and turf them out onto the streets. Of course smokers believe this is a gross invasion of their human rights, but I argue that there are no human rights allowing you to slowly kill people around you like a spluttering ninja with poor lung capacity.
39. Coldplay. Now this one may seem a little frivolous, but whether you like them or not, they are (or at least were) the biggest band in the world. Possibly that title is now owned by a little Irish fella with those wierd sunglasses and his band. They have done some good songs over the past ten years, but the term Coldplay fan has become a derogatory term. Possibly it’s just a British thing. When something gets to the peak of their power and popularity, we smite them down with all our wrath. It sucks being British sometimes.
38. Carbon Footprint. This is definitely a Noughties thing. We’ve known for a while that we are effectively raping the planet we live on, yet only recently, are we aware of our personal impact. Carbon has become a buzz word of the last decade. Whether its our footprint or offsetting, we are all much more aware of tossers driving their kids around the corner to school in their hulking 4x4s guzzling gas like a fat kid eating fries in McDonalds. Of course we also know cows are partly to blame too. Their farty habits are not going unnoticed these days. Therefore vegetarians are also doing their part in destroying the planet in their own little way. Thanks a lot!
37. Paedogeddon. We have the makers of the show to thank for that snappy title. Surely paedophiles have been around a lot longer than the last ten years? But paedophilia being one of the most important cultural events of the decade is so mind numbingly depressing. I’m clearing not saying such an act is acceptable. More like they should have their dangly bits put in a vice. Finally a sensible solution for detaining these sickos. It’s time to start installing some big heavy vices in the prison system. Get writing to your local MP now!
36. Nuts and Zoo. Lad’s mags have gone from at least pretending to have acceptable journalistic content to pure titillation. Am I complaining? Probably not. But I do resent being titled as part of the Nuts and Zoo generation. These magazine’s aren’t meant to be taken too seriously. Surely there’s much more to my generation than a weekly magazine filled with boobs. I suppose we have the internet too…..
35. WAGs. Dear oh dear. The wives and girlfriends of footballers. The new career aspiration of many young girls. If you are pretty (vacuous), you may have a chance to shack up with a borderline rapist that’s being paid obscene amounts of money for ushering a round thing around a patch of grass and then into an outdoor cupboard. It’s a hard life being a footballer. All the glamour and unthinkable sums of money for doing something you love for ninety minutes a week. I’d hate it.
34. Teenage Parties. If I am part of the Nuts and Zoo generation, then the new generation coming through, is the Skins generation. Kids have always had parties. Those lovely sleepovers of the past are gone. Nowadays, it’s not a party unless you don’t know half of the people who turn up and the police get called to break it up at the end of the night.
33. Games Consoles. Technology’s greatest gift. What a selection we have to choose from. We have the humorously named Nintendo Wii for the social party gaming, we have the Xbox 360 for the hardcore gamers and we have the PS3, which is good for…erm, watching Blu Ray movies. Who would have thought that a games console would end up being considered exercise? And not just for developing really strong thumbs.
32. Electric Cars. A bit of a damp squid this entry. They haven’t really taken off yet, have they? The country simply does not have the infrastructure to support them. So unless you want to drive around with a few thousand AA batteries spare as backup, I suppose the hybrid cars will do for now. The Toyota Prius has become a symbol of hope and unbelievably smug gits. “Oh! You don’t have a hybrid car? You’re killing the planet you know? I’m doing my bit. If you’ll excuse me I’m just popping to the shops to pick up some Forrero Rocher!”
31. Dogging. This is a highlight of the decade apparently. I doubt I need to explain what dogging is, so I won’t. It has nothing to do with actual dogs. Not normally anyway. I actually laughed out loud (or lol’d for my internet peeps) when this got announced in the countdown. But I didn’t laugh for long. Soon a crushing sense of disillusionment besieged me. Dogging was more important than the smoking ban or electric cars? We’re on a slippery slope people!
40. The Smoking Ban. It took them long enough didn’t it? I do not understand the “joys” of smoking and never will, mainly due to an overwhelming power of common sense. In what seems like a bygone age, research revealed that smoking actually damages not only your health, but those around you too. Finally somebody with sizable cojones decided to stop smokers from slowly killing all those around them and turf them out onto the streets. Of course smokers believe this is a gross invasion of their human rights, but I argue that there are no human rights allowing you to slowly kill people around you like a spluttering ninja with poor lung capacity.
39. Coldplay. Now this one may seem a little frivolous, but whether you like them or not, they are (or at least were) the biggest band in the world. Possibly that title is now owned by a little Irish fella with those wierd sunglasses and his band. They have done some good songs over the past ten years, but the term Coldplay fan has become a derogatory term. Possibly it’s just a British thing. When something gets to the peak of their power and popularity, we smite them down with all our wrath. It sucks being British sometimes.
38. Carbon Footprint. This is definitely a Noughties thing. We’ve known for a while that we are effectively raping the planet we live on, yet only recently, are we aware of our personal impact. Carbon has become a buzz word of the last decade. Whether its our footprint or offsetting, we are all much more aware of tossers driving their kids around the corner to school in their hulking 4x4s guzzling gas like a fat kid eating fries in McDonalds. Of course we also know cows are partly to blame too. Their farty habits are not going unnoticed these days. Therefore vegetarians are also doing their part in destroying the planet in their own little way. Thanks a lot!
37. Paedogeddon. We have the makers of the show to thank for that snappy title. Surely paedophiles have been around a lot longer than the last ten years? But paedophilia being one of the most important cultural events of the decade is so mind numbingly depressing. I’m clearing not saying such an act is acceptable. More like they should have their dangly bits put in a vice. Finally a sensible solution for detaining these sickos. It’s time to start installing some big heavy vices in the prison system. Get writing to your local MP now!
36. Nuts and Zoo. Lad’s mags have gone from at least pretending to have acceptable journalistic content to pure titillation. Am I complaining? Probably not. But I do resent being titled as part of the Nuts and Zoo generation. These magazine’s aren’t meant to be taken too seriously. Surely there’s much more to my generation than a weekly magazine filled with boobs. I suppose we have the internet too…..
35. WAGs. Dear oh dear. The wives and girlfriends of footballers. The new career aspiration of many young girls. If you are pretty (vacuous), you may have a chance to shack up with a borderline rapist that’s being paid obscene amounts of money for ushering a round thing around a patch of grass and then into an outdoor cupboard. It’s a hard life being a footballer. All the glamour and unthinkable sums of money for doing something you love for ninety minutes a week. I’d hate it.
34. Teenage Parties. If I am part of the Nuts and Zoo generation, then the new generation coming through, is the Skins generation. Kids have always had parties. Those lovely sleepovers of the past are gone. Nowadays, it’s not a party unless you don’t know half of the people who turn up and the police get called to break it up at the end of the night.
33. Games Consoles. Technology’s greatest gift. What a selection we have to choose from. We have the humorously named Nintendo Wii for the social party gaming, we have the Xbox 360 for the hardcore gamers and we have the PS3, which is good for…erm, watching Blu Ray movies. Who would have thought that a games console would end up being considered exercise? And not just for developing really strong thumbs.
32. Electric Cars. A bit of a damp squid this entry. They haven’t really taken off yet, have they? The country simply does not have the infrastructure to support them. So unless you want to drive around with a few thousand AA batteries spare as backup, I suppose the hybrid cars will do for now. The Toyota Prius has become a symbol of hope and unbelievably smug gits. “Oh! You don’t have a hybrid car? You’re killing the planet you know? I’m doing my bit. If you’ll excuse me I’m just popping to the shops to pick up some Forrero Rocher!”
31. Dogging. This is a highlight of the decade apparently. I doubt I need to explain what dogging is, so I won’t. It has nothing to do with actual dogs. Not normally anyway. I actually laughed out loud (or lol’d for my internet peeps) when this got announced in the countdown. But I didn’t laugh for long. Soon a crushing sense of disillusionment besieged me. Dogging was more important than the smoking ban or electric cars? We’re on a slippery slope people!
Monday, 16 November 2009
The Noughties, that was it! >>> 50-41
Recently on the BBC iPlayer, I came across this TV programme doing a countdown of the most important things from the last decade. The show was called “The Noughties… Was that it?” I found some of the concept rather interesting and I thought this would make reasonable blog material and allow me to give my view on the last ten years. Note, I only said reasonable material. So this isn’t a blog so to speak, more like a list of opinions. The opinions of a blinkered idiot, but opinions nonetheless.
Well considering this is a top 50, there’s a logical place to start. Here’s 50 – 41.
50. Yoga. I’m unsure whether this is really a Noughties thing. Besides, I don’t trust people who do yoga. It’s a room filled with people doing something called a Downward Dog whilst prevalently emitting bottom burps, yet not one person laughs. You cannot trust these people. The plethora of “celeb” yoga DVDs plaguing out charts every Christmas definitely has popularised this weird cultish activity over the last few years, much to my dismay. There are even naked yoga classes. I shudder to even consider its existence.
49. Doctor Who. Having spent years in the darkness, Doctor Who returned to our screens in the form of the quirky Christopher Ecclestone. When Eckles decided to jack it in after just one series I figured the series could be on the way back out the door. But in stepped David Tennant. All hail this man! As the decade draws to a close, so does Tennant’s tenancy as the Doctor. Who would have thunk Doctor Who would have been such compulsive viewing? Not me, but happy to be proved wrong in this instance.
48. Celeb Rage. That’s right! What a decade we’ve had. It’s been so good that celebrities getting angry makes it onto our radar. Obviously the stand out moments were Elton Hercules John’s “vile pigs” outburst and Rusty Crowe clouting a hotel employee with a phone. Not to mention Christian Bale’s blue tirade against some poor guy on a film set for walking across his eye line. If you haven’t listened to it yet, it’s not for the easily offended, but still very impressive to hear how many expletives can be used in a matter of minutes.
47. Fad Diets. A craze that has taken the last few years by storm. I don’t do diets. I’m pretty sure it shows too, but I like eating food. Plus my diet’s so bland and selective if I had to cut out things because of a diet, I’d probably die of starvation. Plus I’m pretty sure some of these diets give you a mouth smelling like a dog’s arse. Not for me thanks. I’ll just eat a few more carrots and less chips.
46. Makeover Shows. As a typical guy, I give these shows a wide berth for the sake of my sanity. Why did the presenter of “How to look good naked” refuse the services of a personal trainer? ….. Because he’s already Gok Wan…. A bad joke’s all I have on this.
45. Girls Aloud. The Spice Girls of the Noughties, just a bit more successful, talented, sexier and richer. I’ve got to give them some credit; they do hold the record more the most consecutive top ten hits. Also the fact they are smoking hot doesn’t hurt. Even the ginger one.
44. George Bush. Possibly my favourite entry in the countdown. Possibly the dumbest ever politician in history, but definitely the funniest. The thing I love about this man, is when he messes up, he doesn’t admit his mistake. He just picks up that shovel and starts digging that hole too deep to ever escape. Probably the only politician to have a shoe thrown at him too!
“Fool me once, shame on….. shame on you. Fool me …. you can’t get Fooled again”
-Dubyah
I for one will miss these wise proverbs.
43. The Congestion Charge. As a non driver, I don’t have a fully valid viewpoint on this. But personally I think that big Ken’s legacy is a good one. He reduced traffic, thus limiting the damage we do as we ravage our planet, and in doing so, made himself public enemy number one. He’s like Batman at the end of the Dark Knight, he did what needed to be done and the people wanted to hunt him down for it.
42. Mobile Ringtones. That freaking Crazy Frog with his dangly bits made some Swedish git millions, while at the same time driving millions of us insane. This is definitely an argument against the existence of karma. The little bleeder even beat Coldplay to the top of the music charts. I despair for humanity sometimes. As for companies like Jamster suffocating us with crap audio bytes for out phones, thanks a lot for making public transport an even more insufferable experience. At least noise cancelling earphone sales have probably gone up.
41. Medical Marvels. This decade saw the first full face transplant. It would be wrong to make fun of this, because it was a rather incredible piece of surgery. But as a disclaimer, people expecting it to be like the movie Face Off, will be bitterly disappointed.
Well considering this is a top 50, there’s a logical place to start. Here’s 50 – 41.
50. Yoga. I’m unsure whether this is really a Noughties thing. Besides, I don’t trust people who do yoga. It’s a room filled with people doing something called a Downward Dog whilst prevalently emitting bottom burps, yet not one person laughs. You cannot trust these people. The plethora of “celeb” yoga DVDs plaguing out charts every Christmas definitely has popularised this weird cultish activity over the last few years, much to my dismay. There are even naked yoga classes. I shudder to even consider its existence.
49. Doctor Who. Having spent years in the darkness, Doctor Who returned to our screens in the form of the quirky Christopher Ecclestone. When Eckles decided to jack it in after just one series I figured the series could be on the way back out the door. But in stepped David Tennant. All hail this man! As the decade draws to a close, so does Tennant’s tenancy as the Doctor. Who would have thunk Doctor Who would have been such compulsive viewing? Not me, but happy to be proved wrong in this instance.
48. Celeb Rage. That’s right! What a decade we’ve had. It’s been so good that celebrities getting angry makes it onto our radar. Obviously the stand out moments were Elton Hercules John’s “vile pigs” outburst and Rusty Crowe clouting a hotel employee with a phone. Not to mention Christian Bale’s blue tirade against some poor guy on a film set for walking across his eye line. If you haven’t listened to it yet, it’s not for the easily offended, but still very impressive to hear how many expletives can be used in a matter of minutes.
47. Fad Diets. A craze that has taken the last few years by storm. I don’t do diets. I’m pretty sure it shows too, but I like eating food. Plus my diet’s so bland and selective if I had to cut out things because of a diet, I’d probably die of starvation. Plus I’m pretty sure some of these diets give you a mouth smelling like a dog’s arse. Not for me thanks. I’ll just eat a few more carrots and less chips.
46. Makeover Shows. As a typical guy, I give these shows a wide berth for the sake of my sanity. Why did the presenter of “How to look good naked” refuse the services of a personal trainer? ….. Because he’s already Gok Wan…. A bad joke’s all I have on this.
45. Girls Aloud. The Spice Girls of the Noughties, just a bit more successful, talented, sexier and richer. I’ve got to give them some credit; they do hold the record more the most consecutive top ten hits. Also the fact they are smoking hot doesn’t hurt. Even the ginger one.
44. George Bush. Possibly my favourite entry in the countdown. Possibly the dumbest ever politician in history, but definitely the funniest. The thing I love about this man, is when he messes up, he doesn’t admit his mistake. He just picks up that shovel and starts digging that hole too deep to ever escape. Probably the only politician to have a shoe thrown at him too!
“Fool me once, shame on….. shame on you. Fool me …. you can’t get Fooled again”
-Dubyah
I for one will miss these wise proverbs.
43. The Congestion Charge. As a non driver, I don’t have a fully valid viewpoint on this. But personally I think that big Ken’s legacy is a good one. He reduced traffic, thus limiting the damage we do as we ravage our planet, and in doing so, made himself public enemy number one. He’s like Batman at the end of the Dark Knight, he did what needed to be done and the people wanted to hunt him down for it.
42. Mobile Ringtones. That freaking Crazy Frog with his dangly bits made some Swedish git millions, while at the same time driving millions of us insane. This is definitely an argument against the existence of karma. The little bleeder even beat Coldplay to the top of the music charts. I despair for humanity sometimes. As for companies like Jamster suffocating us with crap audio bytes for out phones, thanks a lot for making public transport an even more insufferable experience. At least noise cancelling earphone sales have probably gone up.
41. Medical Marvels. This decade saw the first full face transplant. It would be wrong to make fun of this, because it was a rather incredible piece of surgery. But as a disclaimer, people expecting it to be like the movie Face Off, will be bitterly disappointed.
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