It's been a long time coming, but here is the final instalment of my Noughties countdown. This is the top ten most culturally important happenings of the last decade, apparently. I'm not convinced by some, but you can make up your own minds. Enjoy!
10. Barack Obama. The top ten is starting strong, everyone show your love for this man. Not only is he the first black American president, he also happens to be the saviour of the planet. I loved it when he won the election. All of the haters claimed he wasn’t black enough to be the first black president in a vain attempt to take that accolade from him. Like he needs any kind of qualification to take over from the previous muppet anyway. At last, we have the kind of president who’s capable of kicking you arse at Scrabble. Not only is he smart, cool, and stylish. This man is a ninja! Capable of swatting flies mid-flight. Just check out the CNN footage. All hail the new ruler of the free world!
9. Reality TV. The blight of the TV schedule. Whether it’s Big Brother or I’m a Celebrity, you cannot escape the dribbling dirge of reality TV. It’s the chance for TV producers to find hopeful wannabes looking for their five minutes of fame, and manage to stretch that five minutes out into a show that drags on for months. It’s no longer reality to be honest. You cannot get on Big Brother anymore unless you’re clinically insane with the whacky tendency to spout racial slurs when under pressure. Anyone remember the first ever series of Big Brother? The one with normal people living their lives out in front of us with no meddling from executive bigwigs who think they know what people want to watch. That was a genuinely interesting social experiment. Everything since has been mindless drivel. George Orwell is likely turning in his grave knowing how badly misconstrued one of his greatest works has become.
8. Celeb deaths. Unfortunately we’ve lost some big names over the last ten years. Some of the more memorable being Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson and the intellectual fountain that was Jade Goody. Jacko’s death has become the new Kennedy event; everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when they found out. And no one will ever forget the spectacle of one of the strangest memorial services in history and the conspiracy theories that inevitably followed.
7. Social Networking. First there was Myspace, then along came the more refined Facebook and now we have the micro-blogging site that is Twitter. The first thing you did when you get an account is search for every single person you have ever met in your life and add them as friends despite you not really having the slightest bit of interest in them. We can now find out what some kid in your class back in primary school is doing next week or what your best mate had for dinner. Ultimately, we no longer need real friends.
6. Chavs. The scourge, a blight on society, call them what you want, they’re all the same. Basically sub human scum clad in Burberry who will sit around swilling from cans of lager and shout abuse at normal people. The fact that these so called people made the top ten “happenings” of the Noughties has got me down. I’m pretty sure there is a page dedicated to the rise of the chav in the Doomsday book.
5. Tony Blair. The fresh new face of Labour. He led Great Britain from 1997 for ten “glorious” years that ended with him taking us into an illegal war with Iraq. To be fair to him, for a while he did a pretty good job. The turning point was when he got his nose firmly buried up George “Dubya” Bush’s arse. From then on, he was nothing more than Dubya’s lapdog. When he eventually stepped aside we were left with the charismatic Gordon Brown who was meant to rule with an iron fist. Unfortunately it seems more like he’s ruling with an iron deficiency. Oh well, we always has David “I’m down with the kids” Cameron. British politics is just overflowing with utter burks at present.
4. Gay Marriage. Finally a positive and progressive entry in our countdown. Gay people are different to straight people, so what? I was once told that everyone’s unique. Surely that means everyone is different to each other….. But if everyone is unique, then we all have that in common, so it’s impossible to be unique…. I think I’ve stumbled onto a paradox. Anyway, if we didn’t allow gay marriages, we never would have found out that Elton John’s middle name is Hercules. Surely that’s enough for any doubters out there?
3. Google. Who was that person in that movie? Google it. Can you tell me about the Crimean war? No? Google it. Want to know how much vodka the average person consumes in a lifetime? Google it. Now we are fully dependant on technology and the Internet (all except the Amish), Google has found itself at the centre of our data needs. But heed my warning! Remember the Terminator movies and Skynet? Need I say more?
2. Simon Cowell. Ok. The man has done incredibly well considering that ridiculous haircut he has. What is that anyway? It’s like a centre parted mini-afro fade. The hair is clearly running away from his face. He has earned more money than we can imagine and he plagues our TV screens with the X Factor annually. Now in a ploy to earn even larger sums of cash for his money fortress, he is exporting the X Factor to America. I’m sorry America; maybe we’ll export Foot and Mouth disease while we’re at it. I’m pretty sure he is planning something. You can see it in his eyes. Once his influence grows sufficiently, he will be taking over! I can think of not other reason why he’d make the number two spot in the countdown of the decade.
1. Text Messaging. The bane of our existence. The incessant beeping. Oh God, the beeping! But the text message has revolutionised the way we communicate to the extent that some children no longer feel the need for vocal expression. You know something’s gone wrong when you feel the need text someone in the same room as you. I think we’ve all been there. So there you have it. The most important thing that happened this decade was the text message. We’re in trouble aren’t we? Perhaps we have hit the pinnacle of our evolution and it's all downhill from here. Well I for one hope the next decade's countdown involves flying cars, world peace and the self replenishing chocolate bar.
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