Continuing the countdown from where we left off, we move into the top 20. Here is 20-11 in the Noughties cultural countdown of wonder and enlightenment. Enjoy!
20. Celebrity Chefs. Whether it’s Gordon and his mouth dirtier than a German pornstar, Jamie saving our youth, or Delia falling apart at football matches; this has been the decade of celebrity chefs. Not that we watch them for recipes anymore. We watch for sheer entertainment, or at least the promise of said entertainment. Oh yes, and generally a lot of swearing.
19. Credit Crunch. I always knew that the bankers were a bunch of Cockney rhyming slang. They almost caused Armageddon. The world went into economic meltdown, but on the plus side estate agents had a tough time for a while. The economy is now back on the rise and city bankers will be sharing part of a 5 billion pound bonus come Christmas time. Proving once and for all they really are a bunch of “bankers”.
18. Jordan vs. Katie. Glamour model or business woman? Personally, I say neither and would rather never hear from her again. But we all know that’s unlikely unless they leave her in the jungle. Peter and Katie were meant to be the new Posh and Becks. Didn’t ever see it working, and unsurprisingly, it didn’t. They split the nation into the Katie faction and the Pandre camp. I have nothing against Peter, but I hope a Chinese style media blackout on their lives ensues.
17. Rehab. You’re not a real celebrity unless you check yourself into rehab. For any reason apparently; an Xfactor finalist (not even the winner) checked into rehab because she was tired. Oh diddums, maybe try going to sleep? I suppose Kate Moss is to thank for this trend. What a wonderful role model, she does drugs, but at least tries to atone before the next addiction sets in.
16. Roasting. I cannot believe this even made it into the countdown. Much like the dogging entry, I won’t try to explain it. But I will say it has nothing to do with Sunday dinner and has a lot to do with the illiterate millionaires populating the Premier League. It also raises the side-question, "what does that make a Yorkshire pudding?" but that would be going off on a tangent.
15. YouTube. An epic part of the 21st century here in this entry. Without YouTube, we would never have had Chocolate Rain, Numa Numa guy or the Star Wars kid. If you have something visual to share, you can now show the entire world in a matter of minutes. Just type in the words “Mentos and Coke” and just see what YouTube has given to us.
14. Strictly Come Dancing. Strictly used to be this boring and frumpy dancing program aimed at old biddies. Nowadays, Strictly is a glitzy and boring program aimed at old biddies and people who have nothing else to watch. How did they make the switch from frumpy to glitzy? It’s our Noughties buzzword; it was those ruddy celebrities again. Now for them to sort out the boring aspect of the show. I have a proposal of how to do this. Just axe the program and play Top Gear re-runs like on Dave. Surely there is a job at the Beeb that can harness my creative thought process.
13. Pandemics. It’s been quite the decade disease wise. We had our old friend Foot and Mouth pay us a visit, we had SARS, Bird Flu and more recently, Swine Flu. All of these global pandemics and are we scared? Are we my arse! Swine Flu got raised to a level 6 global pandemic and we still found it hilarious pretending to sneeze on public transport and watch every shuffle away from you. I salute the British sense of humour.
12. Mac vs. PC. The ongoing format war between Apple and the behemoth that is Microsoft has been waging fiercely these last ten years. You are either Mac or PC. Myself, I am ashamedly PC, but only because I cannot afford one of those beautiful Macbooks. I’m stuck with my glitchy, virus ridden Windows laptop, and can only gaze longingly into the wonderland that is the Apple Store. I’ve found that the stalwart PC fanboy generally hates the Mac user, but the Mac user looks down on the PC not with derision, but with pity. I know which side I want to be on, do you?
11. War on Terror. Yes! A war on terror. What is war? War is terror. Therefore a war on terror seems redundant. Effectively, it is a war against a specific ideology. We took out Saddam in an illegal war and we’re still hunting for that beardy bloke in a cave and the war wages endlessly on. They aren’t exactly technologically gifted. In fact I’m pretty sure their last video was made on Betamax, but they are undoubtedly gifted at hide and seek. Next on the radar is Iran because it sounds quite a bit like Iraq and has a bit of a nutter in charge.
Saturday 21 November 2009
Wednesday 18 November 2009
The Noughties, that was it! >>> 30-21
Over halfway through the countdown of the most important cultural happenings of the last decade. Here is 30 – 21, enjoy! Or at least try.
30. Binge Drinking. We’ve had alcoholics about for what seems like an eternity. But thanks to more aggressive drinking and a considerably larger chunk of our loutish population taking part, the newspapers know they will never have a dry news day. With 24 hour licensing brought in to apparently stem binge drinking, it seems to be going from strength to strength. Oh joy, something else we have our parliament to thank for.
29. Celeb Brands. Do you want to smell like Paris? No, not the scent of the French capital. Who wants a fragrance based around, apparently, the most romantic city in the world? No, I’m talking about that flimsy excuse for a celebrity Ms Paris Hilton. On the plus side …. Nope. Can’t think of one. Maybe I’ll go with Insanity by Britney Spears instead.
28. The Wire. For a TV program that flopped spectacularly when it was broadcast, The Wire has certainly managed to gather itself quite a following now. It was one of those things everyone was talking about at one point. The first few episodes never failed to confuse you, the characters never failed to surprise you. It delivers a damning insight into the murky underbelly of America, much like Chatham on a Friday night.
27. Gossip Mags. OK, Hello, Gossip. Pages and pages of utter crap. This week we have a special into celebrities who sweat! It’s filled with things that aren’t good enough to qualify for a channel 4 documentary. Simply a waste of the trees cut down to make them. They would have been better used to make toilet paper. In fact, that’s what these magazines are, glossy toilet paper. Just try to avoid any paper cuts.
26. EMO. Or Goth lite, as I prefer to call them. They listen to Fallout Boy and the like and wear way to much makeup, especially the guys. I understand that this is the 21st century and guys can wear “guyliner”. Maybe it’s ok, because generally they have so much hair covering their eyes, it’s barely noticeable anyway. Cheer up you little buggars. The world’s not out against you! You always have next Halloween to look forward to.
25. Mobile Phones. One of the most important technical advances of recent times. Remember when the mobile phone was the size of a brick and had a massive battery pack to lug about? No, me neither. I was probably too busy playing with Lego and watching Transformers. But now your mobile phone is like a mini laptop, camera, MP3 player, Sat Nav, and portable games console, all rolled into one. Oh yes it also allows you to make phone calls too.
24. Posh Cider. It wasn’t too long ago that cider was the drink of choice for the tramps among us. Seeing a guy sitting on the pavement, gulping down a 3 litre bottle of White Lightning, wasn’t a rare sight. So how did the cider companies make cider a socially acceptable drink? Well, about £80 million pounds worth of marketing and deciding to use a tall glass filled with ice did the trick. How are tramps going to get hold of ice? Sorted.
23. Harry Potter. This fictional Latin spouting little bastard is making JK Rowling £5 every second of the day. They even released an adult version of the book! This isn’t an adult book, it’s quite clearly a kids book! Still JK isn’t complaining considering she’s about the ninth richest person on the planet. Where’s my pen? I have an idea.
22. Waxing. Just the thought of this makes me shiver. Now I have legs that are on the fluffy side, but do I want every hair ripped from my legs simultaneously? Absolutely not! I would like to have legs that are more on the naked side, but there are a few things I fear; Spiders, needles, Daleks and waxing. The hair grows back people! I think I’ll keep my yeti look for now. I’m not even going to think about more intimate stylings. Ladies who do this are clearly much more manly than me.
21. High School Musical. I’m not sure how to tackle this one. I’ve seen clips of this “phenomena”, but I can only watch them for about five seconds before a wave of nausea hits me and I have to have a lie down. One thing that HSM did give us was the most effective scandal cover up of all time. A certain selection of nudie pictures of one of the squeaky clean stars surfaced on the internet. Disney’s army of lawyers sprung into action and remarkably managed to achieve total damage control. If only the likes of Britney and Paris had these lawyers, gossip magazines would wither and die. If only.
30. Binge Drinking. We’ve had alcoholics about for what seems like an eternity. But thanks to more aggressive drinking and a considerably larger chunk of our loutish population taking part, the newspapers know they will never have a dry news day. With 24 hour licensing brought in to apparently stem binge drinking, it seems to be going from strength to strength. Oh joy, something else we have our parliament to thank for.
29. Celeb Brands. Do you want to smell like Paris? No, not the scent of the French capital. Who wants a fragrance based around, apparently, the most romantic city in the world? No, I’m talking about that flimsy excuse for a celebrity Ms Paris Hilton. On the plus side …. Nope. Can’t think of one. Maybe I’ll go with Insanity by Britney Spears instead.
28. The Wire. For a TV program that flopped spectacularly when it was broadcast, The Wire has certainly managed to gather itself quite a following now. It was one of those things everyone was talking about at one point. The first few episodes never failed to confuse you, the characters never failed to surprise you. It delivers a damning insight into the murky underbelly of America, much like Chatham on a Friday night.
27. Gossip Mags. OK, Hello, Gossip. Pages and pages of utter crap. This week we have a special into celebrities who sweat! It’s filled with things that aren’t good enough to qualify for a channel 4 documentary. Simply a waste of the trees cut down to make them. They would have been better used to make toilet paper. In fact, that’s what these magazines are, glossy toilet paper. Just try to avoid any paper cuts.
26. EMO. Or Goth lite, as I prefer to call them. They listen to Fallout Boy and the like and wear way to much makeup, especially the guys. I understand that this is the 21st century and guys can wear “guyliner”. Maybe it’s ok, because generally they have so much hair covering their eyes, it’s barely noticeable anyway. Cheer up you little buggars. The world’s not out against you! You always have next Halloween to look forward to.
25. Mobile Phones. One of the most important technical advances of recent times. Remember when the mobile phone was the size of a brick and had a massive battery pack to lug about? No, me neither. I was probably too busy playing with Lego and watching Transformers. But now your mobile phone is like a mini laptop, camera, MP3 player, Sat Nav, and portable games console, all rolled into one. Oh yes it also allows you to make phone calls too.
24. Posh Cider. It wasn’t too long ago that cider was the drink of choice for the tramps among us. Seeing a guy sitting on the pavement, gulping down a 3 litre bottle of White Lightning, wasn’t a rare sight. So how did the cider companies make cider a socially acceptable drink? Well, about £80 million pounds worth of marketing and deciding to use a tall glass filled with ice did the trick. How are tramps going to get hold of ice? Sorted.
23. Harry Potter. This fictional Latin spouting little bastard is making JK Rowling £5 every second of the day. They even released an adult version of the book! This isn’t an adult book, it’s quite clearly a kids book! Still JK isn’t complaining considering she’s about the ninth richest person on the planet. Where’s my pen? I have an idea.
22. Waxing. Just the thought of this makes me shiver. Now I have legs that are on the fluffy side, but do I want every hair ripped from my legs simultaneously? Absolutely not! I would like to have legs that are more on the naked side, but there are a few things I fear; Spiders, needles, Daleks and waxing. The hair grows back people! I think I’ll keep my yeti look for now. I’m not even going to think about more intimate stylings. Ladies who do this are clearly much more manly than me.
21. High School Musical. I’m not sure how to tackle this one. I’ve seen clips of this “phenomena”, but I can only watch them for about five seconds before a wave of nausea hits me and I have to have a lie down. One thing that HSM did give us was the most effective scandal cover up of all time. A certain selection of nudie pictures of one of the squeaky clean stars surfaced on the internet. Disney’s army of lawyers sprung into action and remarkably managed to achieve total damage control. If only the likes of Britney and Paris had these lawyers, gossip magazines would wither and die. If only.
Tuesday 17 November 2009
The Noughties, that was it! >>> 40-31
Continuing the countdown of the most important cultural happenings of the last decade. Here is 40 – 31, enjoy!
40. The Smoking Ban. It took them long enough didn’t it? I do not understand the “joys” of smoking and never will, mainly due to an overwhelming power of common sense. In what seems like a bygone age, research revealed that smoking actually damages not only your health, but those around you too. Finally somebody with sizable cojones decided to stop smokers from slowly killing all those around them and turf them out onto the streets. Of course smokers believe this is a gross invasion of their human rights, but I argue that there are no human rights allowing you to slowly kill people around you like a spluttering ninja with poor lung capacity.
39. Coldplay. Now this one may seem a little frivolous, but whether you like them or not, they are (or at least were) the biggest band in the world. Possibly that title is now owned by a little Irish fella with those wierd sunglasses and his band. They have done some good songs over the past ten years, but the term Coldplay fan has become a derogatory term. Possibly it’s just a British thing. When something gets to the peak of their power and popularity, we smite them down with all our wrath. It sucks being British sometimes.
38. Carbon Footprint. This is definitely a Noughties thing. We’ve known for a while that we are effectively raping the planet we live on, yet only recently, are we aware of our personal impact. Carbon has become a buzz word of the last decade. Whether its our footprint or offsetting, we are all much more aware of tossers driving their kids around the corner to school in their hulking 4x4s guzzling gas like a fat kid eating fries in McDonalds. Of course we also know cows are partly to blame too. Their farty habits are not going unnoticed these days. Therefore vegetarians are also doing their part in destroying the planet in their own little way. Thanks a lot!
37. Paedogeddon. We have the makers of the show to thank for that snappy title. Surely paedophiles have been around a lot longer than the last ten years? But paedophilia being one of the most important cultural events of the decade is so mind numbingly depressing. I’m clearing not saying such an act is acceptable. More like they should have their dangly bits put in a vice. Finally a sensible solution for detaining these sickos. It’s time to start installing some big heavy vices in the prison system. Get writing to your local MP now!
36. Nuts and Zoo. Lad’s mags have gone from at least pretending to have acceptable journalistic content to pure titillation. Am I complaining? Probably not. But I do resent being titled as part of the Nuts and Zoo generation. These magazine’s aren’t meant to be taken too seriously. Surely there’s much more to my generation than a weekly magazine filled with boobs. I suppose we have the internet too…..
35. WAGs. Dear oh dear. The wives and girlfriends of footballers. The new career aspiration of many young girls. If you are pretty (vacuous), you may have a chance to shack up with a borderline rapist that’s being paid obscene amounts of money for ushering a round thing around a patch of grass and then into an outdoor cupboard. It’s a hard life being a footballer. All the glamour and unthinkable sums of money for doing something you love for ninety minutes a week. I’d hate it.
34. Teenage Parties. If I am part of the Nuts and Zoo generation, then the new generation coming through, is the Skins generation. Kids have always had parties. Those lovely sleepovers of the past are gone. Nowadays, it’s not a party unless you don’t know half of the people who turn up and the police get called to break it up at the end of the night.
33. Games Consoles. Technology’s greatest gift. What a selection we have to choose from. We have the humorously named Nintendo Wii for the social party gaming, we have the Xbox 360 for the hardcore gamers and we have the PS3, which is good for…erm, watching Blu Ray movies. Who would have thought that a games console would end up being considered exercise? And not just for developing really strong thumbs.
32. Electric Cars. A bit of a damp squid this entry. They haven’t really taken off yet, have they? The country simply does not have the infrastructure to support them. So unless you want to drive around with a few thousand AA batteries spare as backup, I suppose the hybrid cars will do for now. The Toyota Prius has become a symbol of hope and unbelievably smug gits. “Oh! You don’t have a hybrid car? You’re killing the planet you know? I’m doing my bit. If you’ll excuse me I’m just popping to the shops to pick up some Forrero Rocher!”
31. Dogging. This is a highlight of the decade apparently. I doubt I need to explain what dogging is, so I won’t. It has nothing to do with actual dogs. Not normally anyway. I actually laughed out loud (or lol’d for my internet peeps) when this got announced in the countdown. But I didn’t laugh for long. Soon a crushing sense of disillusionment besieged me. Dogging was more important than the smoking ban or electric cars? We’re on a slippery slope people!
40. The Smoking Ban. It took them long enough didn’t it? I do not understand the “joys” of smoking and never will, mainly due to an overwhelming power of common sense. In what seems like a bygone age, research revealed that smoking actually damages not only your health, but those around you too. Finally somebody with sizable cojones decided to stop smokers from slowly killing all those around them and turf them out onto the streets. Of course smokers believe this is a gross invasion of their human rights, but I argue that there are no human rights allowing you to slowly kill people around you like a spluttering ninja with poor lung capacity.
39. Coldplay. Now this one may seem a little frivolous, but whether you like them or not, they are (or at least were) the biggest band in the world. Possibly that title is now owned by a little Irish fella with those wierd sunglasses and his band. They have done some good songs over the past ten years, but the term Coldplay fan has become a derogatory term. Possibly it’s just a British thing. When something gets to the peak of their power and popularity, we smite them down with all our wrath. It sucks being British sometimes.
38. Carbon Footprint. This is definitely a Noughties thing. We’ve known for a while that we are effectively raping the planet we live on, yet only recently, are we aware of our personal impact. Carbon has become a buzz word of the last decade. Whether its our footprint or offsetting, we are all much more aware of tossers driving their kids around the corner to school in their hulking 4x4s guzzling gas like a fat kid eating fries in McDonalds. Of course we also know cows are partly to blame too. Their farty habits are not going unnoticed these days. Therefore vegetarians are also doing their part in destroying the planet in their own little way. Thanks a lot!
37. Paedogeddon. We have the makers of the show to thank for that snappy title. Surely paedophiles have been around a lot longer than the last ten years? But paedophilia being one of the most important cultural events of the decade is so mind numbingly depressing. I’m clearing not saying such an act is acceptable. More like they should have their dangly bits put in a vice. Finally a sensible solution for detaining these sickos. It’s time to start installing some big heavy vices in the prison system. Get writing to your local MP now!
36. Nuts and Zoo. Lad’s mags have gone from at least pretending to have acceptable journalistic content to pure titillation. Am I complaining? Probably not. But I do resent being titled as part of the Nuts and Zoo generation. These magazine’s aren’t meant to be taken too seriously. Surely there’s much more to my generation than a weekly magazine filled with boobs. I suppose we have the internet too…..
35. WAGs. Dear oh dear. The wives and girlfriends of footballers. The new career aspiration of many young girls. If you are pretty (vacuous), you may have a chance to shack up with a borderline rapist that’s being paid obscene amounts of money for ushering a round thing around a patch of grass and then into an outdoor cupboard. It’s a hard life being a footballer. All the glamour and unthinkable sums of money for doing something you love for ninety minutes a week. I’d hate it.
34. Teenage Parties. If I am part of the Nuts and Zoo generation, then the new generation coming through, is the Skins generation. Kids have always had parties. Those lovely sleepovers of the past are gone. Nowadays, it’s not a party unless you don’t know half of the people who turn up and the police get called to break it up at the end of the night.
33. Games Consoles. Technology’s greatest gift. What a selection we have to choose from. We have the humorously named Nintendo Wii for the social party gaming, we have the Xbox 360 for the hardcore gamers and we have the PS3, which is good for…erm, watching Blu Ray movies. Who would have thought that a games console would end up being considered exercise? And not just for developing really strong thumbs.
32. Electric Cars. A bit of a damp squid this entry. They haven’t really taken off yet, have they? The country simply does not have the infrastructure to support them. So unless you want to drive around with a few thousand AA batteries spare as backup, I suppose the hybrid cars will do for now. The Toyota Prius has become a symbol of hope and unbelievably smug gits. “Oh! You don’t have a hybrid car? You’re killing the planet you know? I’m doing my bit. If you’ll excuse me I’m just popping to the shops to pick up some Forrero Rocher!”
31. Dogging. This is a highlight of the decade apparently. I doubt I need to explain what dogging is, so I won’t. It has nothing to do with actual dogs. Not normally anyway. I actually laughed out loud (or lol’d for my internet peeps) when this got announced in the countdown. But I didn’t laugh for long. Soon a crushing sense of disillusionment besieged me. Dogging was more important than the smoking ban or electric cars? We’re on a slippery slope people!
Monday 16 November 2009
The Noughties, that was it! >>> 50-41
Recently on the BBC iPlayer, I came across this TV programme doing a countdown of the most important things from the last decade. The show was called “The Noughties… Was that it?” I found some of the concept rather interesting and I thought this would make reasonable blog material and allow me to give my view on the last ten years. Note, I only said reasonable material. So this isn’t a blog so to speak, more like a list of opinions. The opinions of a blinkered idiot, but opinions nonetheless.
Well considering this is a top 50, there’s a logical place to start. Here’s 50 – 41.
50. Yoga. I’m unsure whether this is really a Noughties thing. Besides, I don’t trust people who do yoga. It’s a room filled with people doing something called a Downward Dog whilst prevalently emitting bottom burps, yet not one person laughs. You cannot trust these people. The plethora of “celeb” yoga DVDs plaguing out charts every Christmas definitely has popularised this weird cultish activity over the last few years, much to my dismay. There are even naked yoga classes. I shudder to even consider its existence.
49. Doctor Who. Having spent years in the darkness, Doctor Who returned to our screens in the form of the quirky Christopher Ecclestone. When Eckles decided to jack it in after just one series I figured the series could be on the way back out the door. But in stepped David Tennant. All hail this man! As the decade draws to a close, so does Tennant’s tenancy as the Doctor. Who would have thunk Doctor Who would have been such compulsive viewing? Not me, but happy to be proved wrong in this instance.
48. Celeb Rage. That’s right! What a decade we’ve had. It’s been so good that celebrities getting angry makes it onto our radar. Obviously the stand out moments were Elton Hercules John’s “vile pigs” outburst and Rusty Crowe clouting a hotel employee with a phone. Not to mention Christian Bale’s blue tirade against some poor guy on a film set for walking across his eye line. If you haven’t listened to it yet, it’s not for the easily offended, but still very impressive to hear how many expletives can be used in a matter of minutes.
47. Fad Diets. A craze that has taken the last few years by storm. I don’t do diets. I’m pretty sure it shows too, but I like eating food. Plus my diet’s so bland and selective if I had to cut out things because of a diet, I’d probably die of starvation. Plus I’m pretty sure some of these diets give you a mouth smelling like a dog’s arse. Not for me thanks. I’ll just eat a few more carrots and less chips.
46. Makeover Shows. As a typical guy, I give these shows a wide berth for the sake of my sanity. Why did the presenter of “How to look good naked” refuse the services of a personal trainer? ….. Because he’s already Gok Wan…. A bad joke’s all I have on this.
45. Girls Aloud. The Spice Girls of the Noughties, just a bit more successful, talented, sexier and richer. I’ve got to give them some credit; they do hold the record more the most consecutive top ten hits. Also the fact they are smoking hot doesn’t hurt. Even the ginger one.
44. George Bush. Possibly my favourite entry in the countdown. Possibly the dumbest ever politician in history, but definitely the funniest. The thing I love about this man, is when he messes up, he doesn’t admit his mistake. He just picks up that shovel and starts digging that hole too deep to ever escape. Probably the only politician to have a shoe thrown at him too!
“Fool me once, shame on….. shame on you. Fool me …. you can’t get Fooled again”
-Dubyah
I for one will miss these wise proverbs.
43. The Congestion Charge. As a non driver, I don’t have a fully valid viewpoint on this. But personally I think that big Ken’s legacy is a good one. He reduced traffic, thus limiting the damage we do as we ravage our planet, and in doing so, made himself public enemy number one. He’s like Batman at the end of the Dark Knight, he did what needed to be done and the people wanted to hunt him down for it.
42. Mobile Ringtones. That freaking Crazy Frog with his dangly bits made some Swedish git millions, while at the same time driving millions of us insane. This is definitely an argument against the existence of karma. The little bleeder even beat Coldplay to the top of the music charts. I despair for humanity sometimes. As for companies like Jamster suffocating us with crap audio bytes for out phones, thanks a lot for making public transport an even more insufferable experience. At least noise cancelling earphone sales have probably gone up.
41. Medical Marvels. This decade saw the first full face transplant. It would be wrong to make fun of this, because it was a rather incredible piece of surgery. But as a disclaimer, people expecting it to be like the movie Face Off, will be bitterly disappointed.
Well considering this is a top 50, there’s a logical place to start. Here’s 50 – 41.
50. Yoga. I’m unsure whether this is really a Noughties thing. Besides, I don’t trust people who do yoga. It’s a room filled with people doing something called a Downward Dog whilst prevalently emitting bottom burps, yet not one person laughs. You cannot trust these people. The plethora of “celeb” yoga DVDs plaguing out charts every Christmas definitely has popularised this weird cultish activity over the last few years, much to my dismay. There are even naked yoga classes. I shudder to even consider its existence.
49. Doctor Who. Having spent years in the darkness, Doctor Who returned to our screens in the form of the quirky Christopher Ecclestone. When Eckles decided to jack it in after just one series I figured the series could be on the way back out the door. But in stepped David Tennant. All hail this man! As the decade draws to a close, so does Tennant’s tenancy as the Doctor. Who would have thunk Doctor Who would have been such compulsive viewing? Not me, but happy to be proved wrong in this instance.
48. Celeb Rage. That’s right! What a decade we’ve had. It’s been so good that celebrities getting angry makes it onto our radar. Obviously the stand out moments were Elton Hercules John’s “vile pigs” outburst and Rusty Crowe clouting a hotel employee with a phone. Not to mention Christian Bale’s blue tirade against some poor guy on a film set for walking across his eye line. If you haven’t listened to it yet, it’s not for the easily offended, but still very impressive to hear how many expletives can be used in a matter of minutes.
47. Fad Diets. A craze that has taken the last few years by storm. I don’t do diets. I’m pretty sure it shows too, but I like eating food. Plus my diet’s so bland and selective if I had to cut out things because of a diet, I’d probably die of starvation. Plus I’m pretty sure some of these diets give you a mouth smelling like a dog’s arse. Not for me thanks. I’ll just eat a few more carrots and less chips.
46. Makeover Shows. As a typical guy, I give these shows a wide berth for the sake of my sanity. Why did the presenter of “How to look good naked” refuse the services of a personal trainer? ….. Because he’s already Gok Wan…. A bad joke’s all I have on this.
45. Girls Aloud. The Spice Girls of the Noughties, just a bit more successful, talented, sexier and richer. I’ve got to give them some credit; they do hold the record more the most consecutive top ten hits. Also the fact they are smoking hot doesn’t hurt. Even the ginger one.
44. George Bush. Possibly my favourite entry in the countdown. Possibly the dumbest ever politician in history, but definitely the funniest. The thing I love about this man, is when he messes up, he doesn’t admit his mistake. He just picks up that shovel and starts digging that hole too deep to ever escape. Probably the only politician to have a shoe thrown at him too!
“Fool me once, shame on….. shame on you. Fool me …. you can’t get Fooled again”
-Dubyah
I for one will miss these wise proverbs.
43. The Congestion Charge. As a non driver, I don’t have a fully valid viewpoint on this. But personally I think that big Ken’s legacy is a good one. He reduced traffic, thus limiting the damage we do as we ravage our planet, and in doing so, made himself public enemy number one. He’s like Batman at the end of the Dark Knight, he did what needed to be done and the people wanted to hunt him down for it.
42. Mobile Ringtones. That freaking Crazy Frog with his dangly bits made some Swedish git millions, while at the same time driving millions of us insane. This is definitely an argument against the existence of karma. The little bleeder even beat Coldplay to the top of the music charts. I despair for humanity sometimes. As for companies like Jamster suffocating us with crap audio bytes for out phones, thanks a lot for making public transport an even more insufferable experience. At least noise cancelling earphone sales have probably gone up.
41. Medical Marvels. This decade saw the first full face transplant. It would be wrong to make fun of this, because it was a rather incredible piece of surgery. But as a disclaimer, people expecting it to be like the movie Face Off, will be bitterly disappointed.
Wednesday 4 November 2009
Trick or Treat?
All around the country you may have noticed the seasonal decorations glimmering haughtily over our high streets and in our stores. I have no problem with festive spirit and feel the need to say, I am definitely no Scrooge. However I find it hard to stomach all this before October’s end. There is still a full month before December even begins, but more importantly, my birthday still hasn’t passed. After I have celebrated my little wriggly self being brought kicking and screaming into this world, only then can I start thinking about our chance of a white Christmas.
Not the white Christmas Nick Griffin is hoping for though. You may have been one of the eight million viewers who tuned into Question Time last week, but I found myself a little disappointed by the level of “debate”. For at least half of the show, the panellists and audience were simply standing in line to take a pop at ol’ Griffo. Not that he doesn’t deserve it; I just feel more good would have been done had people focussed their questions on revealing the BNP’s ridiculous policies. That being said, much respect to the guy directing his question at “Dick Griffin”. I could see his friends at home dealing out high-fives all round! Another valuable lesson learned from the show was to never make Jack Straw smile. Ever again. Did you see those teeth? Most people would have to spend two hours in a Hollywood make up studio to get teeth that yellow. Still, we have a few more classic sound bites from Mr Ice Age Great Britain to take away with us. Such classics as the “non-violent KKK” member and “I am the most loathed man in Britain”, he unquestionably has a flair for the ridiculous and bleeding obvious, respectively.
Moving to something marginally more topical, it was Halloween recently. A quick message to the trick or treaters who doused our door with eggs. Those eggs were vastly more expensive than the penny sweets we didn’t have to give to you. Just a little lesson to our future bankers there, and that advice was free! Don’t expect any future assistance or bailouts though. What was much more trick than treat for me this Halloween was my unfortunate first exposure to the X Factor. More precisely, the talent vacuum of the Jedward muppets. I am able to exude more musical prowess using my ears. It is a well regarded fact that the most entertaining part of the X Factor is the first few audition shows that ruthlessly displays the hopeless fools who don’t stand a chance at winning to us all. I cannot fathom how the duo passed that stage. Also, should this year’s Christmas number one be an X Factor “winner” once again, I will put out a contract on the heads of all the shows producers and judges. This relentless attack on our music industry must cease! Regardless, I only managed to suffer about ten minutes of the show before the venom rapidly building in my gut burst and I was forced to turn it off. Is it some sort of national prank aimed at Simon Cowell, keeping that toilet brush headed pair in? Having witnessed them massacre a Queen classic, I think it’s time their time on the show was abruptly ended.
Talking about abrupt endings.
Not the white Christmas Nick Griffin is hoping for though. You may have been one of the eight million viewers who tuned into Question Time last week, but I found myself a little disappointed by the level of “debate”. For at least half of the show, the panellists and audience were simply standing in line to take a pop at ol’ Griffo. Not that he doesn’t deserve it; I just feel more good would have been done had people focussed their questions on revealing the BNP’s ridiculous policies. That being said, much respect to the guy directing his question at “Dick Griffin”. I could see his friends at home dealing out high-fives all round! Another valuable lesson learned from the show was to never make Jack Straw smile. Ever again. Did you see those teeth? Most people would have to spend two hours in a Hollywood make up studio to get teeth that yellow. Still, we have a few more classic sound bites from Mr Ice Age Great Britain to take away with us. Such classics as the “non-violent KKK” member and “I am the most loathed man in Britain”, he unquestionably has a flair for the ridiculous and bleeding obvious, respectively.
Moving to something marginally more topical, it was Halloween recently. A quick message to the trick or treaters who doused our door with eggs. Those eggs were vastly more expensive than the penny sweets we didn’t have to give to you. Just a little lesson to our future bankers there, and that advice was free! Don’t expect any future assistance or bailouts though. What was much more trick than treat for me this Halloween was my unfortunate first exposure to the X Factor. More precisely, the talent vacuum of the Jedward muppets. I am able to exude more musical prowess using my ears. It is a well regarded fact that the most entertaining part of the X Factor is the first few audition shows that ruthlessly displays the hopeless fools who don’t stand a chance at winning to us all. I cannot fathom how the duo passed that stage. Also, should this year’s Christmas number one be an X Factor “winner” once again, I will put out a contract on the heads of all the shows producers and judges. This relentless attack on our music industry must cease! Regardless, I only managed to suffer about ten minutes of the show before the venom rapidly building in my gut burst and I was forced to turn it off. Is it some sort of national prank aimed at Simon Cowell, keeping that toilet brush headed pair in? Having witnessed them massacre a Queen classic, I think it’s time their time on the show was abruptly ended.
Talking about abrupt endings.
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